My Masturbation Addiction Testimony
My second name is Justina. I am a 36 -year old single female, studied Biochemistry in a Federal University in Nigeria, now works in a bank in Abuja.
Today, marks my first year 365 days of freedom from masturbation. Its only 1 year but that’s a whole lot based on where I have been and where I am coming from.
I am the second of two ladies that grew up in a family of 9. The other 7 were guys. I was the last born. By the time I was born, -our family’s first born, a male, was 20.
At the age of 6, I was exposed to porn when I went into the our first born’s room. He never locked his room. There were several magazines with naked men and women (and movies too). I made it a habit to always go to his room when he left for work to watch or just study the magazines.
He also had a number of girlfriends home at different times. Even though, they were always locked up in his room, I always knew instinctively that they were doing what I frequently saw in the magazines and movies I saw in his room.
By this time, I had started to explore my body. At 11, I knew my body very very well from several episodes of masturbation. I couldn’t get enough. I explored with everything other than my fingers. Masturbation stayed with me through adolescence, university and up till last year, 2018. I certainly didn’t have to hide anymore. I had a #iphone and #google was all I needed.
I hid my addiction masterfully. Nobody knew about my addiction. In point of fact, this is the first time, I am sharing this publicly or privately. I grew up in a very religious family so I knew how to keep up appearances. It’s not exactly pretence, it was just how I grew up. I was a worker in church all through university and till date. I wasn’t wayward. It was just something I indulged in very privately.
Almost naturally, I had pre-marital sex. (I am not married yet). When my boyfriend will leave, (most times I couldn’t wait), I would withdraw to my bathroom to masturbate. I couldn’t get satisfaction from any one of the guys that I dated. I didn’t feel any strong desire to get married, I was intelligent enough to know that I wouldn’t be happy because I couldn’t be satisfied sexually. At least I thought so.
All the while I had read a lot of scientific articles, which all claimed that it was perfectly natural to masturbate, especially for a woman. Except that every time that I did it, something in me knew that it was wrong. It was not just guilt. It always felt like a voice that knew me deeply. Very deeply.
For the first time, last 2 years, I began to recognise it as an addiction/problem and started to develop a prayer pattern around it. I wasn’t praying for promotion, work, marriage or anything else because it was very clear to me that, those weren’t my problems. Looking back now, I realise that sometimes, one just needs to break a childhood addiction and every other thing may just fall in line.
Every time I engaged masturbation, during this time, (that is, after I began to pray about it), I will pray immediately after and ask the holy spirit for help. Sometimes, I would just read the bible. Seemed creepy but that’s what I did and it appeared to have worked in my own case because over this period, some sort of conviction started to develop in me, almost unconsciously.
And then, it happened suddenly. One day, it suddenly occured to me that I hadn’t masturbated in 3 weeks. That was the longest I had stayed without masturbation in over 20 years. I couldn’t believe it.
Its now a WHOLE year and I can tell, that is God. Its not just a year of freedom from masturbation. It’s a year of freedom from porn or any sexual sin.I realise that not every one’s story will be like this. As I have read recently, some people may need an accountability partner. In my case, I went through it alone. I couldn’t think about telling anyone not even in church where I was very active. Everyone seemed not to be struggling with anything as basic as self-sex. It was mostly employment, promotion, building a house, getting married, that young women around me prayed for.
I thought I would share this here – on a neutral platform as this, because I am hoping that my story will help someone believe that victory over any addiction of any kind is possible. Taking time out to write this, this weekend alone, is liberating for me.
Three lessons learnt in all this…
- God’s laws are perfect. Science is only trying to catch up.
- I believe that God put his laws already in us. As a result, we know what is good or bad by default and without social programming. Most times, we are simply drawn away by our lusts, and often look the way of science to validate those lusts. Unfortunately, science is always available and can always lend itself to anything that has some pattern to it.
- Looking back, I feel very much that the Devil was trying to abort my marital destiny. Sometimes your addiction can be the barrier to something greater than/more important to you.